Saturday, December 12, 2009

Sa Baguio

Desidido na ako. I said to myself. I couldn't contain the feeling anymore. I already wanted to meet my cyberspace inspiration. I already wanted to see McCoi in person.

December 5th. Naisakatuparan ang plano. Tumulak ako pa-Baguio.

After more than 7 hours of anxious travelling, I finally arrived. It was half past 8. He wasn't at the station yet. Pagbaba ko ng bus, I instictively looked for a cigarette vendor. Meron. Sa may bangketa. Hindi muna ako bumili. I stood there for a few minutes, tumingin sa mga tao, tinext si McCoi kung nasaan na siya, at tumawid sa kabilang bangketa para bumili ng yosi. Gusto kong pahirapan ang sarili ko inisip ko.

"Manong, duwa nga Marlboro Lights man." I tried my best not to sound like I'm a stranger. Trip ko lang.

"Gold?" Sabi ni Manong.

"Wen." Sabi ko kahit na "Duh!Whatever!!" ang gustong isagot ng bitchera kong isip.

Just as manong vendor was handing me my fix, I looked to my right. May katitigil na taxi not too far from where I was standing. Nakatingin sa akin yung pasahero. Nagtama mga mata namin. Yumuko agad ako. Nanginginig na sinindihan ang yosi. I know he has the most beautiful eyes, but i never thought those could ever be more beautiful and sparkling in person.

Right then, I knew it was him.

I know it is him. It IS him.

I felt the Magic. I know now where forever begins.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Meet McCoi

Can't stop thinking about you.
Shet, miss na kita!
Dad ingat ka po. Wag ka maaaksidente ha? Gusto pa kita makita ng buo.
Dad iniisip po kita ngayon. Sana kasama kita nanonood ngayon.
Gusto po talaga kita maembrace.
Gago ka! Ikaw na naman iniisip ko!
Dad, Lagi kita gusto makasama.
I will think of you when a sleep tonight.
Dad, Don't leave me.

The list goes on. Kilig moments na naman! But this time, Kilig ako with someone I haven't met personally yet. We're what most people call online lovers.

He's a friend of a friend. Although out na ako sa opisina at naging flavor for the month of September, I've never been out to friends. Si McCoi and dahilan kung bakit namukadkad na naman ang tagong bulaklak ko sa harap ni Mae, ang kaibigan ko na kaibigan nya din. Buti na lang babaeng bakla si Mae at immune s'ya sa mga ganitong pagkakataon.

Kaedad ko si McCoi and we both look old for our age, ako madaming wrinkles, s'ya balding.
Unang impression ko sa kanya: Cute, parang ako. Haba ng hair ko nung in-add nya ako as friend. Medyo nagulat lang dahil connected kami kina Khaye at Mae. Lagot ako! Naaalala ko din yung unang message nya sa facebook account ko. Nagpakilala s'ya as partner ng isang recently added pepper friend. Hmm, something's brewing kunak ("I said"in Ilocano).

This happened while I was happily losing weight and getting older with Rey. So, deadma lang ang lola mo. Ayoko na makipaglandian.

I added him to my friend list still, because at the back of my mind, I was thinking, we were going through the same hell, and he's a friend of a friend ( so much of the small world poop).

Just recently, when i was already back at my lightest, we started chatting, texting and talking to each other. Nag Cam2Cam na din kami( wholesome to! promise!).

I started to like a person at a time when I thought I needed someone else. Akala ko ang moving on process will take months. It'd take me exactly 8 days lang pala to realize that I had been investing emotions to the wrong person. "Love doesn't get you miserable". " Love isn't necessarily all about sacrifices: I remember.

Once again,like with the past partners I had, I don't know why I'm drawn towards him. But this time, I won't exhaust all effort to know why. I'd just simply enjoy each moment with him (at least for now through cyberspace).

I don't really know much about McCoi. He is a different person everyday, and I like it that way. Kahit na alam kong he's dying to hear that he's gorgeous, with a to die for pair of dimples, I won't label him as cute, or smart, or funny. He is his own being. He is who he is. And I love him for that.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

3rd Party Calling

I didn't know how I started to like you, much more when I started to love you. I didn't know how and why I fell for you.

At a time that I was no longer looking for love, you came. You sent a single text quote for me, Obviously, it has been forwarded since I have received it from countless people. But it is with you when it made sense.

"Don't find love, let love find you. That's why it's called falling in love,
because you don't force yourself to fall. You just fall."

Like this message, i just fell. Everything became right. I just fell.

But like every story, there has to be an ending. I still don't know how to put an end to this. Do I let you go when I know that from the start you were never really solely mine? Do I hold on to something that's bound to end?

With you, I fell. It is with you I fell. Hard. Head first.

Saturday, November 7, 2009


I need to clear my mind. I'll type away everything.
Earlier, I just got confirmation that I've been certified, meaning I'm reemployed.

For the past 6 weeks, certification has always been my goal. This goal took about 7 pounds off of my weight (balik malnourished na naman ako). Now that I achieved my goal, I feel like this was never really what I wanted.

I need this but I feel I need something bigger, grander. I need someone to share kinds of achievements like this to share with.
Yesterday, I never thought I couldn't be any angrier. I was trembling. I felt like my muscles had their own thoughts. I wanted the trembling to stop but I couldn't.
Last night, I got certified.
Last night, I got dissed.

Last night, I was happy
but deep inside I was sad.
I don't know if I'm making sense.
I can't clear up my mind.
Rey, I love you. and it fucking hurts...

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Like Insomnia

I can't sleep.

Is it because he's thinking of me?
Or I'm just thinking of him?

I bet my life on this, I know the answer.
I'm just afraid to admit.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Feeling helpless

People say that writers have what they call the "Writers block". I couldn't think of anything to write about. I'm a writer then. Haha!

Joking aside, I think I just don't have the interest to write because negativity is the dominant thought i have now. I don't want to write about negative things.

My apologies to the universe for releasing negative vibes. I just have to do this.

Prior to coming out, I thought that the problems i faced were just being complicated by me hiding in the closet. I guess I'm wrong. I'm out (to some) and yet the problems are still there and taking its toll on me. Friends start noticing that i'm losing weight, again.

Maybe this is just stress. I've been thinking a lot lately. about my family, home, work, myself, and the relationships i have.

I have been missing my duties as the breadwinner in the family. I have neglected the responsibilities I needed to do with my job. I forgot to take care of myself. now I'm feeling its effect.

The only bright side to my life right now is the love that I have. But I also feel that I have been unfair with love. I wanted to do so much more but I feel like I'm restricted by the baggages that I carry. I wanted to give so much more, but I'm afraid I won't get the same back. I am selfish.

I want to cry, be alone and lick my wounds. But I don't have enough time to.

I feel like everything is a race where we all have to run as fast as we can to end up the winner. I'm tired of running, but I have to.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Emoterong Paminta

" Uncertainty is the biggest torture in love. You feel jealous, yet you can't complain. You can get hurt, yet you can't show it. You can love with your all, yet you can't say it. All you can do is watch, keep the pain, enjoy the smiles, and show how that person means to you."

04-Oct-2009 21:58

Maia knows I'd react.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

I'm in Deep Dog Poop

When it rains, it pours. That's all that I can say for now. This side of the ghetto may not have been affected by the flood, but I'm swamped by woes.

I'm choked by my debt. Internet's been disconnected since September 15th, then just last night, cable's been stopped. I'm already getting collection calls!Waaah!

The only thing I hold dear,my laptop, is broken. Just right after the warranty expired, the monitor started acting up. Hayst!

I'm beginning to think of defaulting on my life insurance. hayst uli.

But behind the clouds, there's a silver lining (totoo), Behind Ondoy's Clouds, there's hope. If not for him, I won't be able to get part of our 13th month salary. My employer would've given it by December.

Mababayaran ko na ang bills! Mapapagawa ko na ang laptop ko! Hindi ako magdedefault sa insurance!Yahoo!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Si Kuya

Kuya: Hoy! Bakit meron kang mga DVD's ng lalake?

Me: Huh?

Kuya: Ano yung nakita ko sa laptop mo?

Me: Huh?

Kuya: Baka mapagkamalan kang bading nyan gago ka!

Me: Sus! Sa kaopisina ko yun!

Kuya: Ok!

Puwede din palang pagsabayin ang takot at tuwa.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Gossip Guy

Word about me coming out is starting to spread in the office.

This weekend, I visited Kelso who lives with another colleague, Alexi. Alexi asked me if the rumor was true. I answered in the affirmative.

Just this day, Maia told me that another coworker talked about me coming out. She said that she didn't want to hear what the coworker was talking about.(Thanks Maia)

Who could've spoiled my coming out party, when I told those people to let me do the talking?

After hearing about this, I felt sad. One of my friends could've betrayed my trust. I asked them not to make an issue out of this, and now, one or more is spreading rumors to make me the biggest joke around the workplace.

That was my initial reaction. But after some thought and advise from Kelso, Rey and Maia. I shouldn't be sad. Instead, I should feel happy and thankful.

I realized that the one who spilled the beans wasn't really a friend. He was merely an acquaintance. Among the people I confided to, he was the only person whom I told the secret drunk. I am to be blamed. hehe

I am happy because it reaffirmed my belief that my friends are really to be trusted. I am thankful for having friends who would always be there to defend and support me.

Feels funny, I feel like a celebrity. I get to be the topic of gossips.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Dude, I'm Gay.

The past month has been truly liberating. To date, I've told 10 friends about the real me. Acceptance has been the unanimous reaction towards me "blossoming". Para akong nagbibinata uli.

The past month made me realize that life gets easier when you don't have something to hide. I love the fact that the closet isn't restricting myself anymore. I'm free. At last!

I couldn't be any happier for realizing that the friends I keep are true friends indeed. I never heard any holier-than-thou comments. My friends understood. That's what's important. And I appreciate that. Sobra! Salamat! Salamat! Salamat!

Monday, August 31, 2009


Eto, habang avail uli.

Von: alam mo, nagpapasalamat ako kasi naiintindihan mo kami, na open ka sa tulad namin.

(Avaya beeps)

Me: Thank you for calling...

(After a five-minute argument with a customer)

Me: Panong 'di ko kayo maiintindihan, Eh tulad nyo ako?!

Von: (smiles, then hugs me)

This is getting easier and easier to talk about. And I'm lovin' it! Hehe.


Muli, habang Ka-chat si Web.

Me: May sasabihin ako.
Web: Ano?
Me: Tulad mo ako.
Web: Gago!

This is the most straightforward revelation so far. Walang patumpik tumpik. Swak na swak.

Pangalawa, Pangatlo

Habang ka-chat sina kel at dodge..

Me: May gusto akong tao

Kel/Dodge: Sino

Me: Tumawag muna kayo.

Phone rings.

Kel/Dodge: Sino na?!

Me: (Types in the name)

Kel/Dodge: (Brief silence) Talaga?!Hahahaha!

Thursday, August 27, 2009


Habang avail...

Whey: Sinabi mo na nagkaron ka na ng experience sa mga tulad ko?

Me: Oo. Bakit?

Whey: Nagkaroon ka na ba ng karelasyon?Na-in love ka na ba sa mga tulad ko?

Me: (after a brief smile and a long pause) Hmmm..Oo.

Whey excitedly laughed. I, Happily relieved.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

The Awakening II

Since our line of business gets few calls, conversation among colleagues while waiting for calls to come in is normal. Topics of conversations vary. Politics, relationships, gender. From the most important to the least trivial. To while away time and to avoid sleepiness, we talk.

One lazy thursday(08/06/2009), past sexual experience/s became the subject of our "sharing".I don't know how it started, but when it was my turn to talk, a gay colleague asked me if I had sexual encounters with people like him. I was taken aback.

After trying to erase the memories I had with gay men, a gay colleague asked me pointblank if I had done the deed. Memories came rushing back, I muttered, "Yes".

A flurry of questions came my way. I got confused, but nonetheless told them the truth. Yes, I spent time, of the sexual kind, with "happy" people.

Was I relieved? No. I wanted to tell more.

Friday, August 14, 2009


Dear Lord,

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to work with great people.
Thank you for giving me time to spend with them.
Thank you for letting me find true friends.
Thank you.


Our fate is still uncertain. Our employer has only less than two months to squeeze in more than 200 agents to its other clients. Even with the assurance from our director that everyone's safe,It's almost certain that many will still lose their jobs. Our company's other clients needs only about 100 slots to fill.

Is it time for me to update my resume? or stick it out with the company till the end?

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


Our site just received some bad news. Our client is pulling out of our Manila site, and is transferring business in Cebu.

This reminds me of the film Outsourced. It gives us a humorous take on life at a call center. Towards the end of the movie, The call center's client pulled out and was to transfer operations to China where labor is cheaper. This is the same scenario where my colleagues are in; our Cebu counterparts are getting the job for their labor is cheaper.

The movie provides a lighthearted glimpse at how easy it is to lose jobs. It's characters accepted the news casually. In reality, I couldn't do the same. I just couldn't.

The ONE that got away (My version)

I made this January 2003, after a failed courtship. The ONE that got away is now a mother of a lovely little girl. She's still a friend, and will always be.

If there was a crowd and she was there, she wouldn't stand out. Her smile, her eyes were just like the crowd's. She wasn't extraordinary.

Or so i thought..

I never noticed her simplicity, i didn't see her wit.

It began to sink in to me that among the crowd, she was unique and as i slowly realize that she had a space of her own, it also began to creep into my mind that indeed, she was special, that that space, that dent slowly encroached myself and before i knew it, she already invaded my heart. i was caught off guard... i fell.

There were sleepless nights and meals missed, yet still, i was in cloud nine. i became confused. the mere thought of her gave that extra push and energy to go on with my boring and monotonous life. there wasn't a day that i never thought of her,never a night that i didn't dream of her.weekdays, class days were a bliss for i could be with her. excelling in class was a breeze because i had the inspiration to be the best for her.

she totally enraged my being..i was helpless..the Queen started her reign.

Then came my proposal. it was her birthday.i thought a proposal of love would be a fitting gift to the loveliest lady this side of the planet i had known. i wore white to show my purest of intentions. i already fell and, by this time, was also ready to take the plunge..and so i did.i was ready to be her slave for i knew she's the one -- She's the ONE.

The courtship was sweet for she could already see my feelings yet it was bitter because it had to stop...she loved someone else."if you have come earlier.."

i was devastated..i was puzzled"if you have come earlier." why?
the discovery was even more hurting. she had loved me too, but i was late. i came too late.

Yes, she is the one...the one that got away...

Thursday, August 6, 2009

The Awakening

I just told my friends part of my past. A part of the past i didn't know i could share to them. I told them the awakening.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Young. Hypertensive. Impotent?!

27. 140. 90. These are the numbers bugging me right now. I'm only 27 and my blood pressure is already shooting up to 140/90. This scares the hell out of me. Morbid thoughts come to mind. I don't want to start taking maintenance drugs this early, worse, I don't want to be six feet under this young.

To avoid these thoughts, I texted one of the funniest guys I know - Rey. I thought that by texting him, I'd realize that the situation is all but serious. He's 4 years older than me. I would always joke about his age, how he can't seem to fully grasp new and exciting things(like facebook and its applications, and of course, this-blogging). He, in turn would tease me about being celibate for the past five years(this is a LIE, of course!hehe)

Now, the joke's on me. I'm younger and the first to manifest the signs of aging(waaaah!) and what's even worse is the possibility that I might become impotent before he does. (Impotence is a possible effect of hypertension, FYI). He thinks that my celibacy(which again, i reiterate, is a big LIE) will turn out to be for life.

My pet still wants to explore and enter crevices! and he can't do that incapacitated. This can't happen!

Texting him would've taken the wits out of me, but he's a friend. He's there to make me feel that this serious matter should just be laughed at. He told me to just think positive. and I'll do just that. Salamat 'tang!

The Torch

The torch is my humble master.
The beacon from which the fire emanates.

The blaze ignites solicitude.
Do I let the conflagration devour me,
or flee the raging inferno?
The sea of flames enchants, bewilders, stupefies



The torch is my lord
and I am his willing slave.