All of my friends knew that I dabbled into straight relationships.
Not everyone though, especially those I met afer I came out, knows that I cohabitated with an ex for a while.
Let me give her a name - Yna. You can blame her for me being a frustrated beauty queen. Kidding aside, she was a real beauty. She was 4th runner-up at a provincial pageant in Abra. Cheap one may say, but at least she was able to compete and get a title. Her body was everything I wanted in a lady. She had all the right curves. She's like Gretchen Fulido. She loved it when I tell her she's appetizing. Ang sarap kainin.
Gorgeous body aside, She's also smart. But not as smart as me. Ching! She had pretty decent grades when she was in college, and emotionally, I guess she was smarter than me. She opened herself to others more than I did. She was the more conversational, outgoing and aventurous between us two. Come to think of it, she initiated it more that I did. I didn't know if it was me or just her hormones that triggered her to request it mostly at unimaginable places (read: public utility vans) or uncompromising situations (like: hotel room shared with friends). Every single time I'd deliver. Ehem!
Not everything was all rosy and happy for both of us though. The relationship started to fall apart when she told me that one of her male friends confessed to her his true feelings. Memories from a failed relationship that involved a third party came crawling back. That's when I began my distrust on her. I wouldn't let her go out without me, I'd let her do the laundry all by herself. I knew that words were far more devastating than physical pain. I never laid a finger on her. That was my strategy. That's how insecurity got the best out of me. The usual jolly and positive tigress turned into a scared wimpy kitten, and it was because of me.
Despite her assurance that I was the only one and that there was nothing between her and the friend, I stuck to the misguided belief that she was cheating. The vices I introduced to her became her own. She turned to nightly alcohol binges and became addicted to tobacco. I let her slip away. Eventually she gave in. We separated but still lived together.
I never stopped treating her like a bitch. I'd take my turn on her after her boyfriend leaves the house. When I got tired of the set up, I packed up my things and left her, giving her no explanations.
After few months without communication, I chanced upon her walking aimlessly along Session Road. She was drunk. I invited her to my place and had a couple more drinks. She told me that she already had another partner but she wasn't happy. I told her too that that night was the first night that I officially had a girlfriend that replaced her. That's when everything turned nasty. She started hurling invectives at me for being an ass. I couldn't care less. She was still the object that I treated like before.
In between sobs and curses, I remained indifferent. At the end of the seemingly endless rant, anger and bitterness, came the statement that struck me.
I still love you. She cried.
Maybe it was the alcohol(again). I don't know, but I started to kiss the crying lady in front of me and started to guide her body on the carpeted living room floor. We started to undress each other like there was no tomorrow. We were like a couple on a honeymoon passionately making love with each other. I remember seeing her so calm and serene while we shared what was to be our last night together. I came inside her. She said the words again, I didn't know if I said I love you back
And then the lights turned on. I didn't know that my friend whom I shared the pad with was inside. I froze. So did Yna. We pretended to be asleep. We dressed ourselves up when my friend went back to his room.
The next morning, I woke up not with her but with a painful headache and a nosy roommate who commented on something big. I just didn't know if he pertained to my junk or her rack.
The days went by too fast. I already wanted to end my relationship with my girlfriend after two consecutive forgotten monthsaries. Being with her became more of a chore. I wanted to break up with her but I couldn't. Yna was right, I was an asshole. I wanted to atone for my sins but I couldn't. I didn't know where she stayed and mutual friends wouldn't let me know any contact details. They just said that Yna was already to be married.
One day, one of our mutual friends called me. A different voice was at the other end of the line. It was Yna. She didn't answer my question when I asked her how she was. What she said was this:
"Hinding hindi mo makikita itong bata."
And then the line went dead.
Seven months after, the same number called again, this time the voice was the owner's:
"It's a boy".